As it has been for the first few years, I've started the new year in a new position but in the same company.
I've taken a step back from the hectic pace of reporting and slithered into this deskbound position as a sub.
This means late nights, probable back problems and worsening eyesight.
But it means I will get my Saturdays off (provided I chope them) and my sanity back.
It also means I will stop whining about work. Which I hated doing but still did anyway.
It also means never seeing much of my family, who are asleep when I get home and off when I get up - it's almost like living on my own, which is something I have to figure out my finances and work out soon.
It means time before work to run errands, read books and watch the taped shows of the night before.
Yesterday I realised this also means being shocked out of bed at 830 by horns blaring outside my house. And being the one to receive deliveries of various things like a new stove.
I see now how big a mistake I made for staying on. For some reason I wanted to give it six months, when everything inside me was screaming to get out. That's probably one of the stupidest things I've ever done. But what's done is done. And it's left me scarred. Sounds silly to say that about a job. Sounds like I'm talking about a major calamity. But those were the longest six months of my life. I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't managed to get out. And yet I wonder, why was it so? How could I go from happy and excited about work to hating it and despair. How could my colleagues do it?
But no more. No more whining. No more questions about that. No more wondering about what's past.
And now, here in this other job, I am calmer, a little more at ease with work. But it's still not the right fit. I don't want a career in this. I cannot see myself doing this for a year. It's already been six months. It's not something I hate, unlike the previous job. But it's just not what I want.
I keep wondering to myself why I feel so apathetic about the state of things.
It's like I've sunken onto a comfy sofa and can't get up.
I tell myself, I must do something this year, and not just remain stagnant.
But still the question is, what?
I know what I don't want.
I just don't know what I want.