Wednesday, January 04, 2006

on looking back and not looking back

As it has been for the first few years, I've started the new year in a new position but in the same company.

I've taken a step back from the hectic pace of reporting and slithered into this deskbound position as a sub.
This means late nights, probable back problems and worsening eyesight.
But it means I will get my Saturdays off (provided I chope them) and my sanity back.
It also means I will stop whining about work. Which I hated doing but still did anyway.
What else..
It also means never seeing much of my family, who are asleep when I get home and off when I get up - it's almost like living on my own, which is something I have to figure out my finances and work out soon.
It means time before work to run errands, read books and watch the taped shows of the night before.
Yesterday I realised this also means being shocked out of bed at 830 by horns blaring outside my house. And being the one to receive deliveries of various things like a new stove.

I see now how big a mistake I made for staying on. For some reason I wanted to give it six months, when everything inside me was screaming to get out. That's probably one of the stupidest things I've ever done. But what's done is done. And it's left me scarred. Sounds silly to say that about a job. Sounds like I'm talking about a major calamity. But those were the longest six months of my life. I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't managed to get out. And yet I wonder, why was it so? How could I go from happy and excited about work to hating it and despair. How could my colleagues do it?

But no more. No more whining. No more questions about that. No more wondering about what's past.

And now, here in this other job, I am calmer, a little more at ease with work. But it's still not the right fit. I don't want a career in this. I cannot see myself doing this for a year. It's already been six months. It's not something I hate, unlike the previous job. But it's just not what I want.

I keep wondering to myself why I feel so apathetic about the state of things.
It's like I've sunken onto a comfy sofa and can't get up.
I tell myself, I must do something this year, and not just remain stagnant.
But still the question is, what?

I know what I don't want.
I just don't know what I want.


aberwyn said...

sometimes it might be better to throw caution to the wind and just quit. without a security blanket, it might just spur you into motion.

I am planning to do just that in a few months time. :)

The Imp said...

if no one's waiting for you to pay the bills; when you can live for 6 months on your savings, take a deep breath and quit.

all the best babe.

olduvai said...

thanks for the advice guys

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I find myself at home alone not having had dinner and watching time pass and getting hungrier and hungrier and hungrier as I wonder what to eat.

Although I realise that it gets harder to get up the longer I wait (since I'm getting physically weaker), it's only a sudden panic that jolts me into driving over to the local zhi ca. The worst thing is that I tend to end up eating what I always eat anyway - all that time wasted thinking about what to eat didn't help.

If you suspect clarity will not emerge through more intensive navel gazing, then doing anything sooner is better than doing nothing later.

caedmon said...

you know what you don't want, you don't know what you want. sounds like me before going to uni. chose the course as a result of a process of elimination. delete delete delete, and i was left with one choice. which didn't sound too bad. and left me with few regrets. maybe elimination might help you get a clearer picture of what you might want?

other thing is: dangerous to get too comfy. once spoke to one of your colleagues who's been there almost 10 yrs now. she says it's her first job and she never left because it got to a point where she was too lazy to write a resume.

follow your heart shar!!! especially when you got nothing much to lose!!!

germaine said...

Amid all this sound advice, I'd just like to giggle at the mental image of you slithering into deskbound position, stealth creature that you are. I'm recalling all the Saturdays I sauntered into what I thought was an empty office only to jump out of my skin minutes later when you emerged quietly from behind your monitor..

olduvai said...

"it got to a point where she was too lazy to write a resume" - i know how that feels! but that's not gonna be me!

germaine - maybe i should apply for a position with interpol as a spy. :P

Q said...

Best of luck. I won't pretend to know what it's like for you. I'm still searching myself--but I remember what it was like, living and feeling empty about what I was doing. So I upped and left everything, and moved to the other side of the world, and then, when I didn't like it there, I upped and moved again. I wouldn't recommend it to everyone--but in the end, if I still don't find my place in the world, I can rest easy in the fact that it wasn't for lack of trying (or for lack of moving) :). In the meantime, enjoy the good things that you have--you'll work the rest out someday. I like your blogname, by the way--Olduvai Gorge. I think I'll go and visit there someday...

olduvai said...

quiddity - thanks for your comment. i say though, that's very brave of you - moving and trying things out in a new place. that's been something i've been wondering about myself.

Q said...

It's not as hard as it seems, the world is a small place-- :) Except now, when I think of cleaning up my closet, I have to consider closets in 3 continents :). There are upsides and downsides. On the upside, I know I'll be able to live and stand on my own in whichever major city you can throw me in--that and being able to expand my perspectives, see other ways of living. On the downside, it is hard being away from people who are dear to you... You take care. xx