Something I've been thinking about for quite some time now - how am I Chinese?
Am I Chinese because of my black hair, black eyes and the sallow colour of my skin when my tan fades?
I don't feel Chinese.
I don't speak Chinese, unless I am forced to - usually to cab drivers or at hawker centres. And don't even ask about Hokkien or Teochew.
While I like to eat Chinese food, it's not something I'd cook at home, unless my mum asks me to stirfry some veg, cook rice or some fish for dinner. When I'm cooking for myself, I like to make pasta or if I'm lazy, a sandwich. Making something Asian would be instant noodles, I suppose.
While I like music, all the music I listen to comes from people living in Canada, UK, US etc. Like right now, it's Elliott Smith. I do like some local bands though - but they all sing in English. I did listen to some Chinese music back in JC - in an attempt to fit in I suppose. (It didnt work, people still called me a banana or kantang.)
I've never owned a traditional outfit since well, I think my mum did dress us in a Chinese top before when in primary school. I do like, however, to buy local brands (and also Local Brand.
And then today, I came across this article in Newsweek, Turning Un-Japanese by Christian Caryl, who writes about how Japan is no longer challenging to westerners, how it is becoming like the west itself - "an Asian nation that would not feel out of place if it were suddenly dropped inside the borders of Europe".
This country is the same isn't it. Perhaps even more so. And for longer.
But I wouldn't think of it as becoming "Un-Singaporean" because this is the way Singapore is. This is what it is to be a Singaporean. At least to me. To feel a lack of heritage, identity. It was a little better when my grandfather was alive - he had strong roots back to the "jia xiang" although he was born here. He was a very active member in the Boon Cheong Keng (the clan for the ....er... village? our ancestors came from. In Chinese that would be wen zhang I think) and also in the Eng Choon Hway Kuan (which would be the... er... district? someone help me out here). I suppose knowing all is already quite good though)
I always remember meeting some Cuban-Americans, who when introducing themselves to the group emphasized that they were "second-generation" Cuban-Americans. And when I heard that I started thinking, doesnt that make me third-generation Chinese-Singaporean? (although when it comes to this I am never sure how this works. I'm counting the first generation as my grandparents, who were actually born here, as compared to my greatgrandfather, who was born in China) But I feel no ties to China, despite having living relatives there.
So I am Chinese, yet I'm not Chinese.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
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5 comments:
I think what you said makes you the fourth generation - I count the generation that came here originally.
I'll tell you what can make you feel more Chinese. Go and live in a country without a Chinese majority. My experience in the US has been that people of the same race and culture tend to band together. And everyone else who is not your race and culture will identify you as such, whether you're white on the inside or not.
It's not as bad as I make it out to be. I have friends who're non-Chinese. But I tend to hang out with Chinese more. Maybe because I'm in California where there are still a lot of Chinese even though we're in the minority. People I know who went to high schools where they were one of a handful of Chinese people naturally had more white friends than Chinese.
But you know, I don't see it as too big a deal. I believe we all have an inclination to want to belong to our own ethnic group to some extent. As long as you don't let other people stress you out about it (and I know that people will) then you'll be fine.
i always like to think that being Singaporean redefines the notion of being Chinese.
simply put, ethnically, i'm already not totally Chinese, but majority of it is. so yes, i am Chinese with a cosmopolitan twist.
isn't this how all of us are today?
hmmm i've always felt a fish out of water everywhere - but not that it bothers me too greatly cos i've been too busy absorbing all the different-ness of the places i've lived in.
like you i'm chinese on the outside, on the inside, i'm a mix of all the different places i've ever been from where i was born to where i've chosen to live.
it's true what biao said that moving to where you're not in the majority tends to make you feel more chinese - in my case, i am proud of being in the minority, proud to say i'm chinese only to be met by incredulity at first and then as they observe me for a further 2 seconds - oh yes, your skin, your eyes ... but you don't sound chinese.
like your granparents mine too were active in their clanhoods, but my parents who lived through the colonial times, notwithstanding being deserted by the brits at the most crucial point in history, have always looked west as the more enlightened way of living. so that too rubbed off on me.
i visit cousins of mine in australia, canada and the states and they're all a sum of the different cultures they've absorbed - we swap recipes, laugh about the latest in-word our teenagers are heard to say to their friends - these only overheard of course - and
to sum it the pot is still in the mixing.
Hey, been lurking around your blog for quite a while now, thought this would be as good a time as any to post. I'd been pretty preoccupied with this whole idea of feeling Chinese and/or Singaporean for some time myself. I used to reject just about anything to do with Chinese (ness) back in the day, but fortunately that's all but faded away now (blame it on my snotty self I suppose).
But even now I'd say it's hard for me to feel particularly 'Chinese', even though I'm happy to speak the language (badly) and mangle the dialects (Hokkien and Teochew in my case as well) as best I can. Culturally all my references are ang moh, so to speak...I grew up with the stuff in a largely English- (and dialect-)speaking family, so right now I still don't have a very strong sense of what it is to be Chinese. I don't even identify that much with so-called Singaporean traits, whatever they are (food? Shopping?)I think in the end it's just a matter of feeling comfortable here, which I've really only just started growing into.
P.S. Eng Choon is a village in Fujian (Hokkien) province, it's Yong Chun in Mandarin. My maternal grandparents are from there heh.
about time i said thank you all for your comments. Hello lec, thanks for dropping by, and hello enid coleslaw - that is one great username! - thanks for coming out of lurkdom!
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